Changing Thanksgiving

My mother called yesterday and told me that Thanksgiving would be on Friday this year.

“What?” I said. “Thanksgiving can’t be on Friday! Who does that?”

“Well, it just makes more sense,” Mom told me. “Since–”

That’s where I interrupt. “This is about the Tofurky, isn’t it, Mom?”

“The toe-whatee?” she asks, like she doesn’t know what I’m talking about. I know what’s going on here.  She’s afraid  I am going to ruin Thanksgiving because of the Tofurky we discussed last week. I suggested that a vegan meal would be a nice substitute for the traditional bird, the one pumped full of hormones and condemned to live a short life in squalor. Mom tells me she didn’t get one of those turkeys since Dad bought it at Safeway.

“Mom, even Safeway turkeys are controlled by large conglomerates whose goal is to turn a profit! I say we send a message to those conglomerates and cook up a Tofurky instead. Let’s do it Mom! No one at the table will even know.”

“Oh, they’ll know.” Mom answered so quickly, I don’t even think she was considering  my idea.”Remember the Swedish meatballs Nanci brought for Christmas one year?”

I remembered. They looked delicious simmering in a crock-pot under a thick gravy. Everyone dug in. Mom, who is of  Swedish descent, bit into one, chewed it quickly, then politely set the rest down.” Exactly what part of Sweden does this recipe originate?” she wanted to know.

Dad wasn’t as restrained. “You need to find a new butcher!” he declared, dumping the cocktail plate with the  remaining meatballs back into the crock-pot.

“A new butcher!” Nanci gasped. “I made those out of tofu! You couldn’t tell?”

Apparently everyone could tell, and since then, Nanci has always shown up to holiday meals carrying only the requested brown and serve rolls.

Everything was beginning to unfold… Mom didn’t want me ruining Thanksgiving with my Tofurky, so by telling me the dinner has been pushed back to Friday, she could bake and serve her food conglomerate turkey on Thanksgiving-Thursday without anybody complaining. When I show up on Friday, she’ll say,”Oh, did I tell you to come the wrong day again?”

She did the same thing last Christmas. “Everyone’s coming at 5, and we’ll eat around 6:30. Dad wants to roast a Christmas beast,” she told me.  I showed up promptly at 5, only to learn that my parents had moved the day before, taking everything including the Christmas beast with them. I never would have found them if it weren’t for Facebook.

“Didn’t I tell u we were moving? Lol!” Mom said, via instant chat.

“No, Mom, u didn’t tell me. Not Lol!”

“Well, I just thought you knew,” she  said. “Everyone else did. Lol. Ttyl. ”

Everyone else did because you told them! Probably even gave them a forwarding address!

Mom told me the reason why she wants to do the big turkey dinner on Friday is because Tyler has a hockey game on Thursday, and Nanci is spending Thanksgiving at Todd’s mother’s house. “Friday is just a better day for everyone.”

This makes so much more sense than the explanation I’d concocted. “Ok, Friday it is! Since we’re beginning a new tradition, I think the Tofurky….”

“About that,” Mom interrupts. “You know, we already bought a bird from Safeway and it was already dead by the time we got to the register, so we may as well just eat it.”

“Ok,” I say, “Well, maybe we could try a vegan meal then for Christmas…”

“GREAT!” Mom says, with such enthusiasm, that I am once again suspicious.

“On Christmas Eve, Mom?

“Yes, of course.”

“At  5?”

“Uh huh!”

She must think I was born yesterday. I’ll be there at 5 all right. But I’m showing up  the next day!

Tofurky is brand name  of an American vegetarian turkey replacement made from wheat protein and organic tofu.